The Wheels on the Bus

Do you ever take public transit?  I do.  I ride the bus to work every day, in an effort to reduce my carbon footprint, as well as feel morally superior to those around me.  The fact that I don’t own a car plays no part.  Not at all. 

Actually, the bus isn’t as bad as you’d think.  Apart from the smells (FYI:  there is a reason no commercial ever said “The best part of waking up is garlic in your cup.”), the lack of space (“I never liked that part of my thigh anyways, ma’am.”) and the bus drivers who seem to be on a mission to fling some lucky contestant through the windshield, it’s a cakewalk.  The most entertaining part of the deal?  It’s all the regulars that I ride with Monday to Friday.  Some of them, I could set my watch by (if I had a watch):

1.      “Bumpit Girl” - twentysomething with long, perfectly pouffed hair.  Always stops in the washroom to check her 'do before work.  I walk behind her.  I know.

2.      “Outback Jack” – older man whose Tilley hat must be surgically attached.  How else do you explain some goombah that’s too rude to take his hat off on the bus?

3.      “Shrek Twin” – no word of a lie.  Shave his head and paint him green, you couldn’t tell the difference.  Haven’t seen Donkey yet.

4.      “Mrs. Vanilla” – never wears a lick of colour.  No make-up, no patterns, no embellishments of any kind.  The only thing she does is chew gum (loudly) and read boring-looking scientific magazines.  When I can’t sleep, I think of her.

5.      “Angry Purple Woman” – brown version of Tina Fey.  Wears purple glasses, purple jewelry, purple purse.  One day she will eat grapes on the bus and I will fall over dead.

6.      “Sharp Dressed Drooler” – noticed this poor guy fast asleep and drooling on his oh-so-stylish skinny tie one day last spring.  Decided to leave him be.  The three teenage girls beside him were not as kind.

7.      “80’s Hair Guy” – blond hair, parted down the middle and feathered back.  One look and I could tell to the minute when he graduated high school.  Finally got a new haircut this fall. I nearly applauded.

8.      “Socks and Flip-flops” – ripped sweats, muddy (!?) socks, greasy hair in a pig-tail under a ball cap.  If it were only once in a while, I could blame it on a bender.  Nope.  This is how he rolls.  Every morning. 

9.      “Scary Pierced Man” – this guy’s pointier (nose, lip and ears) than a bale of razor wire sitting on a pincushion.  Plays his IPod super loud.  I've decided to learn to love thrash metal.

10.  “Corn Nuts Chick” –  if life was fair, this girl would weigh eight-hundred pounds by now, considering how she’s always eating something.  Side note:  thrash metal is especially good at covering sounds of smacking, slurping and finger-licking. 

No doubt the people that I ride with have nicknames for me, too.  "Freakishly Tall Ginger".  Or "Sleepy Big Noggin".  Maybe I blend in, though I kind of doubt that.  The point is, there is a certain comfort to be found in routine.  If I see “Bumpit Girl” asleep in her usual seat near the back door, I know I’m on time.  If I’m running late and “Mrs. Vanilla” is on the same bus, I know I’m not the only one who slept in.  It’s normal.  Safe, even.  That’s what I love about Canada.  I can ride the bus every day and never worry about being assaulted. 

I only wish to God that were true in India.