"Hope springs eternal", as my dad always said. True enough: I am living proof. After twenty-six years in one relationship, I'm taking another stab at love. Yep, I'm doing it: getting hitched, jumping the broom, tying the knot, taking the leap, dropping anchor, walking down the aisle, plighting my troth, settling down, joining in holy matrimony, sealing the deal. Whatever you want to call it, I'm getting married. Again. To a guy named Nick. Again. Apparently, I am not one for change.
I'm leaving in two days for the land of "No problem, mon" to marry the man whom I love above all other adults on this planet. He makes my heart sing. He makes everything. Groovy. Sorry. I'm just being a goof. Trust me, I take this whole process deathly seriously, simply because I messed up marriage so badly the first go around. The stakes are even higher this time, simply because I know what the stakes actually are. And like a newly-quit smoker who nags every smoker in sight with lung cancer stats, I am on a mission to spread the word about what's important when it comes to getting married.
I'll tell you what's important, and the answer might actually surprise some of you. Ladies (and I address this to you because A) I am a realist who knows that even in this whacked-out, politically correct world, women are still the ones who make 99.9 percent of the decisions about weddings and B) I am the furthest thing from politically correct), you know what's important about your wedding? Well, it's actually NOT your wedding. It's every day AFTER your wedding. Not just the honeymoon, but the decades of connubial bliss that come after that. Just like labour and childbirth which (usually) are only one day in a woman's life and only a blip on that map called "Parenthood", the craziness that is normally referred to as your wedding day is not the be-all and end-all, no matter what the latest issue of "Wedding Bells" might tell you.
What's not important? The colour of your bridesmaids' dresses. Your flowers. Your dress. Your French manicure. Whether or not the groom wears a suit or a tuxedo. The number of groomsmen. The maturity level of said groomsmen. Whether or not your dad is around to walk you down the aisle. The flavour of the cake. The grossness of the toast to the bride given by one of your husband's crazy university buddies. Your sparkly wedding shoes. Whether or not that angelic (looking) niece/friend of the family drops the rose petals in clumps or sprinkles them nicely down the aisle. Where you booked the reception. How good the food is. The colour of the table linens. Whether or not your crazy uncle is going to get up and make an embarrassingly off-colour speech. Trust me. None. Of. It. Matters.
To be sure, it's all very exciting, and it is fun to make all these decisions and to be the "star" of the whole wedding process. I guarantee you, though, it's got absolutely NOTHING to do with the ongoing commitment that is marriage. In getting married, you are beginning a journey that is going to take you into some of the scariest, most frustrating, most soul-searching, most boring, most bewildering territory you will ever come across. And I'm not talking about my recent afternoon of trying on bathing suits.
You want to know something? One day in the future, when you're agonising about which one of you gets to stay home from work with your sick child for the third day in a row, you are going to bust a gut at the idea that you actually cared whether you'd have pink or cream roses in your bouquet. And that argument you had over seating his Auntie Flo next to your whacko university roommate? Laughable. Everything you think is so damned important for this one day in your life just...isn't. I want you to know that what matters is figuring out how to make your marriage work every day for the rest of your life. Now THERE'S some heavy lifting for you.
There are no sure things in this life (except maybe that everything that tastes good is going to eventually kill you), and I don't know any better than anyone else whether or not soul mates exist. All I know is that you have to treat your spouse with the exact same kindness, respect and good humour that you want from them. Every single day. And you have to keep doing that even when you're not wearing a big sparkly dress and feeling fab-ew-lous.
You have to remember that this person you've chosen above all others is not there to be a punching bag when you have a bad day. They're not there to kiss your ass or tell you you're right when you're wrong. They are there to be your partner; to learn whatever lessons life presents you with and to roll with the punches/kicks in the teeth that may come. Be nice to this person. Do not take them for granted. No one deserves that, especially not someone that you currently think is the sun, moon AND stars.
When I was little, I heard the saying "It take two to tango", and I heard it as "It takes two to tangle". That might have been a Freudian slip (probably not, considering I was only about eight or nine at the time), but I think it's fitting. Whether you realise it or not, the minute you marry someone and make things legal and permanent-like, you are entangled with them for all time. Never mind kids or tattoos: memories are even more permanent because they don't move out and you can't get rid of them with a laser. (Well, maybe you can, but let's not go there.) Everything you two share, just the two of you will remember. That shared memory bank is a precious, precious thing. Don't take THAT for granted, either. Believe me: there's nothing quite so sad as turning to someone and saying "Remember that time we..." and realising that NO, they don't remember, because you didn't share that experience with them.
Yep, I'm getting married again. I'm excited as all get-out. But this time, it's not about the dress or the flowers or the purple ribbon for the wedding cake. This time, the only thing that's going to matter is the man that's standing beside me, promising to love and respect me 'til death do us part. As I will promise him.
Time to get to work.
